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Why are questions such powerful tools for persuasion? They are the principal means of achieving and properly applying all four pillars of Practical Eloquence. Do you remember what they are? They are outside-in thinking, content is king, preparation, and being your best self.
Outside-in thinking requires you to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling, and that means you may have to ask a lot of questions because we overestimate our ability to read others. I’ve heard that veterinarians are the best physicians, because they can’t ask their patients where it hurts. Imagine diagnosing someone without asking questions! Yet, that’s what we do all the time when we give advice or try to persuade others. (I know, I did it last night when speaking with Mackenzie about her and Matthew’s dilemma about whether to move to California.)
The second part of OIT is that the other person should also feel it, or sense that you are at least trying to use it, the old “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” How better to show someone you care than by taking an active interest in them? A couple of years ago, I had dinner with an old friend I hadn’t seen since high school. After an excruciating hour in which he told me all about himself and his family, and never once asked a single question about me or my family, I knew immediately why I hadn’t seen him since high school—and another 40 years will be too soon. You know exactly what I mean, but ask yourself if you just may be guilty of the same thing yourself.
Second, content is king, and questions are essential for getting the answers you need to ensure that you have the right content. Contrary to what most people think, most of the world’s content is not stored in google-accessible databases—most of the knowledge that you need to succeed in the world is locked inside the minds of the people you live with, socialize with, and work with on a daily basis. Questions are the most important technology we have to tap into those crucial unique personal databases.
And questions go beyond simply extracting knowledge; the best ones create knowledge by getting others to think about issues in ways they have not before. The answers may be in our heads the entire time, but we may not know it until someone asks the questions that spark the necessary connections and combinations. The Socratic method is the oldest and best-known form of this, and closer to today’s time, Toyota’s 5-whys forces us to drill deeper into an issue to get at root causes.
Questions are also the building blocks of pillar three, preparation. Proper preparation and planning starts with situation analysis, which requires you to take inventory of everything you know or don’t know that’s relevant to your situation. Questions are all about resolving DKs and by methodically asking them we will probably encounter (DK)²s as well. If we have a mental template of required information, we’ll need questions to fill in the blanks.
Finally, questions help you be your best self by letting the other person see that you genuinely care about them, and you don’t arrogantly assume you know it all.
So, if questions are so powerful, why don’t we ask enough of them?
First, we’re too self-focused, more worried about what we want to achieve in the conversation than about helping the other person realize how our proposal helps them. We’re also too impatient, and in our rush to get our point across we may not realize that it did not stick in the other person’s mind. Some of us are reluctant to ask questions because we’re afraid of looking dumb. Finally, despite our best intentions, we may be simply unprepared to ask the best possible questions.
To become a better questioner, you must first be aware of your own questioning frequency and practices. What percentage of time do you actually talk during most conversations? Are you truly taking an interest in the other person? Do you probe to get a deeper understanding of where they’re coming from? Next, cultivate two attitudes of humility and curiosity. Remind yourself going into the conversation, that you don’t know it all, and strive to get beneath the surface of what the other person is thinking and why they’re thinking that way.
In subsequent podcasts, I will address specific questioning techniques and methods that apply in various persuasive communication situations.
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Note: I have written about two of these topics before, and here are the links to those posts:
Time to Put the 7% Myth to Rest
Time to Put the Learning Styles Myth to Rest
The Only Time the AVK Myth Applies
In addition, two useful articles and one book about the Myers-Briggs myth can be found here:
Myers-Briggs: Does It Pay to Know Your Type?
Goodbye to MBTI: The Fad that Won’t Die
The Cult of Personality Testing, by Annie Murphy Paul
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Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin has written an excellent book, Leadership: In Turbulent Times. In this podcast, I extract useful lessons in leadership communication from the careers of four presidents. Three of them, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Franklin Roosevelt, were unquestionably great. The fourth, Lyndon Johnson, did great things in domestic affairs but had his legacy tarnished by the Vietnam War.
Each had a different style and approach to leadership communication, but all four are excellent models for timeless lessons in leadership communication.
All four developed their leadership communication skills early in their careers, and formed their personal styles through their successes and failures. What they all had in common was that there was no shortcut to greatness: they all spoke a lot during their early years, which seems to be a common theme for all great communicators.
The middle section of the book details the personal adversity that each suffered in the middle of their careers. The common theme is that those difficult experiences changed their outlooks and shaped their characters in ways that ensured they emerged through from their personal trials stronger than before. One common theme seems to be that they all to various degrees learned—or strengthened—empathy, especially for “common” folk.
Finally, Goodwin examines one aspect of each of their presidencies to illustrate lessons for four types of leadership: transformative, crisis management, turnaround, and visionary.
There are so many lessons in this book that I only have time in the podcast to provide a sample. I urge you to read the book and take lots of notes, because you don’t have to be President to benefit from what these masters can teach you.
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1. Answer the question
When the other person is driving the conversation, add value by directly answering their questions. When you drive it, the question is, “What do you want me to do and why should I do it?
2. Outside-in thinking
Value is defined by the listener, so you must think, prepare, and communicate from the other person’s perspective. What is in it for them?
3. Top-Down Organization
Build the pyramid from the top down. Start with the Bottom Line Up Front (see Key #1), and then add your reasoning and additional detail as necessary.
4. So What Filter
Use the So What filter to separate out the irrelevant and merely interesting.
5. Transparent Logic
Make your logical structure as transparent as possible. Use mental templates for standard work.
6. Candid and direct
Candor is your responsibility to speak up and add value when necessary; directness is the style which you use when you do speak up.
7. User-friendly language
Speak plainly and authentically, avoiding smoke, FOG, and friction. Use stories, analogies, visuals and examples to clarify and add impact.
8. Just-in-time communication
Supply information at a comfortable pace for the other person. Let them drive the dialogue and tell you what they need to decide or act.
9. Listen for Lean
Use the second conversation in your head to listen for the previous 8 keys of lean communication and drive the dialogue accordingly.
