The more threads, the better.
Outside-In thinking—taking the perspective of the other party—is the first of the four pillars of persuasive power, and it has figured prominently in this blog. Yet one can always learn more, and Daniel Goleman’s new book, Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence
Goleman’s empathy triad comprises three forms of attention: cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and empathetic caring.
Cognitive empathy is the closest to what I call outside-in thinking. Essentially, it’s paying attention to the other person’s thought processes and emotions, of knowing what they’re thinking and feeling, and being able to incorporate that into your persuasive approach. Another term for it is perspective taking, which is the ability to see the situation from the point of view of another person. It’s a skill that may be unique to humans, and begins to develop around the time we are three years old and ends only when we attain positions of power.
Emotional empathy goes beyond simply being aware of what they are feeling, to being in tune with the other’s emotional state: you feel it yourself at least to a certain extent. In brain scan experiments, volunteers watching others undergo painful electric shocks show activation in the same brain areas, indicating that their minds are simulating the same experience.
Empathetic caring, the third level, is sometimes a missing ingredient, because it’s possible to know and feel what the other person is undergoing without caring enough to do something about it. For example, many doctors are well aware of what patients are feeling, but do not show a human concern for their condition. Interestingly, even when there is no difference in actual outcomes, those with a caring bedside manner are less likely to be sued for malpractice, and more likely to have patients follow their directions.
Let’s look at the benefits and dangers of each:
Cognitive empathy is extremely useful in sales, particularly in a complex sale that requires that you show a deep understanding of the client’s situation. Striving for and achieving it requires research, insightful questions, and close attention to the client’s words and body language in describing their situation. It works beyond sales; in any persuasive conversation the mere act of striving for it makes you more credible and sympathetic in the eyes of the other person, and increases the chances that they will open up and provide you with the reasons and the language that you can use to achieve your persuasive goal.
But the downside to cognitive empathy is that without feeling or caring it can easily become manipulative or awkward (remember the debate when Obama told Hillary Clinton she was “likeable enough”?). Indeed, Goleman tells us that successful sociopaths, such as swindlers and narcissistic leaders, succeed because they can be experts in understanding and manipulating other people. They can describe the other person’s emotions intellectually, but because they don’t feel them, their consciences are not constrained, and they see others only as instruments to get what they themselves want, making any persuasive goal acceptable and any tactic fair game.
So if being right is as important to you as being effective, you must balance outside-in thinking with outside-in feeling and caring. As a recent Harvard Business Review article puts it: “Warmth is the conduit of influence.”
How to achieve the right balance
Although Goleman does not call them this, I prefer to think of each type of empathy as head, gut, and heart. One would think that it’s best to have high levels of each type of empathy, but different situations call for different mixes. The best persuaders achieve the right balance of each depending on the situation. For example, a salesperson who is too focused on the intellectual dimension of the problem to be solved will overlook the little things that build long term trusting relationships; on the other hand, a surgeon who could not detach herself from the emergency room patient’s fear and pain would probably be too shaken to think straight. A presenter may be so focused on remembering his material that he neglects to notice that the audience has checked out.
How do you achieve the right balance of head, gut and heart?
Ironically, the best way to be good at outside-in thinking may be to begin with effective inside-out thinking. In other words, you need to be fully self-aware before you can be truly aware of others. Begin by examining your own reasons and motivations for the persuasive appeal you are making. Do you sincerely believe that it is in the other person’s best interest? If you were in their shoes, what would you do?
If your self-awareness tells you that you need to get better at feeling and caring, you can “fake it ‘til you make it.” This may sound really cynical, but researchers have found that teaching doctors to go through the motions even when you don’t feel like it—paying attention to the patient’s body language, facial expression and tone of voice—makes them more aware of them as people, and engages the second two legs of the empathy triad. During the conversation, monitor your own reading of the situation: can you sense what the other person is feeling at this stage of the interaction? Are you asking questions that elicit subjective information? Have you tried summarizing or paraphrasing what they are saying to ensure that you understand them, and that they know that you understand them?
It’s all about how you focus your attention. There is a rich stream of signals that flows between two people in a conversation, and we each have our own personal tendencies to selectively notice some of the stimuli and to ignore others; and the unconscious choices we make determine the quality, content and results of our dealings with other people. By allocating your attention appropriately to all three levels of the empathy triad you will ensure that you are persuading others to do the right thing in the right way.
Paying attention in this way is not only good ethics, it is good practice. Gaining agreement in this way will leave the other person better off and feeling good about their decision, which will lead to sustainable agreements, ongoing referrals, and long term trusting relationships.
It has been one of the recurring themes of this blog that persuasive communication is about outside-in thinking—about understanding where the other person is coming from and figuring out how to connect your idea or solution to their needs. Of course, you can’t learn too much about where they’re coming from if you’re doing most of the talking.
One of the most commonly recommended solutions is to ask good questions. As I’ve written before, appropriate questions can get the other person to tell you what you want them to hear. You can’t reach the highest level of persuasive skill without having the attitude and the skill to ask good questions.
Yet, questions have their drawbacks, especially when you’re following a process to draw out the others’ needs. One drawback is that focusing too intensely on the answers you’re looking for can lead to inattentional blindness: as in the famous video where a man in a gorilla suit is not even seen by viewers concentrating on counting how many times a basketball is passed. The second drawback is that the conversation begins to feel like an interrogation, and your counterpart may become impatient in their answers or demand that you cut to the chase.
You can accomplish your goals and still keep it pleasant by brushing up on your following skills. These are the conversational tools you use to encourage and guide the flow to get better and deeper insight into your counterpart’s mind. None of the following will be a new revelation to any of my readers, but we can always use a little reminding.
The most passive way to follow the conversation is simply to keep quiet and give the other your undivided attention. Put all distractions out of your mind; quit worrying about your follow-up question—you’ll have plenty of time for that when the time comes. Why is it that people are so uncomfortable with “dead air”? Why do we rush to fill any microsecond of silence that comes up? Actually, you can use the discomfort to your advantage: I’ve often found that the most valuable information I get comes when I simply stay silent after someone has made their point. They will usually add something else, and what comes next is often more important than what came before.
You can also follow silently with your body language, particularly facial expressions and head nods. An attentive posture provides positive reinforcement and encourages further conversation. To be more active, you can also interject the occasional “encourager”, such as uh huh, really?, repeating a key word, etc.
Next up the activity scale is the use of probes. Instead of a formal prepared question, ask for additional information. The three most common uses for probes are to clarify, dig, or extend. Clarification probes make the meaning more specific. Digging is about drilling for more detail on the particular issue they brought up, and extending probes uncover additional issues along the same lines.
The most active form of following skills is reflecting back what you’re hearing, by paraphrasing or summarizing. This is an excellent way to show that you have heard and understood the other person, and gives them an opportunity to correct your understanding if necessary. The key is to make the paraphrase a statement instead of a question. In their book, Managers as Mentors: Building Partnerships for Learning
The whole point is that following skills, while not difficult to learn, require a lot of practice to be turned into an effective habit. One way is to try a little deliberate practice: see how much information you can get the other person to answer all of your questions—without asking them!
Mastering following skills will increase the quality and effectiveness of your persuasive communications by making your conversations more pleasant and complete, and best of all, making it their idea to do what you want. Ironically, following skills will make you a more effective leader.
When it’s all about you and not what you can do for the customer, talk is NOT cheap.
When it crowds out listening, talk is NOT cheap.
When you bore your audience, talk is NOT cheap.
When it’s rambling and unprepared, talk is NOT cheap.
When it wastes the listener’s time, talk is NOT cheap.
When you talk past the close, talk is NOT cheap.
When thinking out loud causes sloppy expression, talk is NOT cheap.
When you’re unprepared for questions and objections, talk is NOT cheap.
When words are spoken in anger, talk is NOT cheap.
When silence is the best option, talk is NOT cheap.
When loose lips can sink ships, talk is NOT cheap.
When you make commitments you can’t keep, talk is NOT cheap.
When more words mean less understanding, talk is NOT cheap.
When words take the place of fighting, talk is NOT cheap.
When thoughtless words wound, talk is NOT cheap.
When words console, talk is NOT cheap.
When words illuminate, talk is NOT cheap.
When questions spark ideas, talk is NOT cheap.
When words inspire, talk is NOT cheap.
Why am I reviewing a book on mentoring in a blog on persuasive communication? The first reason is that Chip Bell, whom I’ve known for many years, sent me a copy[1]. The second reason is that, even if you don’t plan to mentor others, many of the skills in this book are indispensable for persuasive communications. Although the examples are geared towards the mentoring process, there is a lot of practical utility that can be applied to making you a more effective communicator overall.
The authors define mentoring as “the act of helping another learn”. Notice that’s it’s not about “teaching”, it’s about ensuring the other person learns. Mentors help others to learn something that they might have learned slower, not as well, or not at all.
When you see it that way, the parallels between mentoring and selling and persuasion in general become obvious. Selling is the act of helping another buy, and persuasion is the act of helping another decide. The key theme is that the power to change comes from inside the other person. As the authors so eloquently put it, “change is a door opened from the inside.”
It’s not about you—it’s about the other person.
