Great speakers are self-aware but not self-conscious. What‘s the difference and why does it matter?
Self-awareness is the ability to accurately monitor one’s own behavior and the effect it has on others even while doing it. It allows a speaker to critique their own performance and make adjustments as necessary, whether real-time corrections or by finding things to work on to improve their skills. Self-awareness is objective and non-judgmental. As I wrote in my last post, the best speakers over time are those who know their improvement opportunities and are eager to work on them. No one becomes a great speaker without self-awareness.
Self-consciousness, on the other hand, is one of the greatest impediments to public speaking success. It’s different from self-awareness in two ways, both of them harmful to your performance and growth as a speaker.
First, it’s an acute form of self-awareness. While it’s helpful to know how your speech or presentation is affecting the perceptions others have of you, it can become debilitating to become overly concerned about what they think. In fact, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, someone who is afraid of being perceived as nervous by the audience can tie themselves into knots of anxiety and just make themselves even more nervous.
If you’re nervous about looking nervous, keep in mind that it’s not that easy for others to read your mind. I’ve had so many participants in my sessions tell me they were extremely nervous, and I assured them that no one noticed.
That’s because you’re probably wrong about what others think of you. Most of us overestimate the extent to which people actually pay attention to us, and we usually think the worst. If you’re wearing a shirt with a stain on it, you think the whole world is laughing at you, but the fact is, they most likely don’t even notice, and even if they do, they just don’t care, and even if they care, they won’t remember it.
If you’re skeptical, try this experiment. Go to work wearing a mismatched pair of socks, and pay attention to two things: how many times you think about it during the day, and how many people actually say something to you about it. If you enjoy the experiment, you have a healthy level of self-awareness. If you’re nervous about it all day, you’re probably a little too self-conscious.
When I run my presentations workshops, I always begin the post-presentation coaching session by asking the presenter for their own assessment of how they did. It’s a sure-fire way to gauge their understanding of the elements of effective presentations, and it can also save time in the debrief. In addition, it provides a glimpse into who they are; almost invariably, they tell me something about themselves without being aware of it.
It seems like every workshop contains a bell-curve distribution of self-assessment types. Here’s a range of reactions that I get, starting at the right (good) side of the curve:
Those who did a good job in their presentations but can list the top three things they would like to improve.
Those who did a good job but admit they’re not aware of what they need to improve—and want to hear what coaches have to say.
Those whose presentations needed work and know it, and want to hear how to get better.
Those who did a good job and are therefore uninterested in hearing any improvement suggestions.
Those whose presentations fell short of expectations and know it, but they have a ready excuse, such as not having enough time to prepare, or they always do better in front of real customers.
It would seem pointless to even waste my breath trying to coach those last two, but I always make it a point to give them very detailed feedback, even though I know they aren’t listening. That’s because without knowing it they are serving as excellent teaching tools for everyone else in the class who does want to learn. And the best part is, they don’t even know the valuable part they’re playing!
Any leader who wants to be an inspiring communicator should first heed the words of Ronald Reagan, who said, “I was not a great communicator, but I communicated great things.”
Before you try the fun stuff like language and delivery, you need to be absolutely sure that your message resonates with your followers.
I set out to write about what leaders need to say to inspire their followers, but I quickly realized that’s the wrong question. The important question is, “What do your followers need to hear?” As a leader, you are defined by the actions of your followers, and their actions depend hugely on what they hear from you. As in all communication, you need to start from their wants and needs. Just as you can’t teach unless they want to learn, and you can’t sell unless they want to buy, you can’t lead unless they want to follow.
So, what do followers need to hear?
I profoundly believe that people—most people—want more from their work than just a paycheck. Employees will try harder, think more creatively, and pour more of themselves into their work when they have three things: direction, meaning, and confidence. A leader communicates all three and inspires their best work; a manager may hit one or two one and leave potential energy unused; a mere boss ignores them and drains the life out of the workplace.
How do you choose what to say to provide direction, meaning and confidence? To simplify, let’s borrow Rudyard Kipling’s “six honest serving-men”:
I keep six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
Although Kipling probably did not have leadership communication in mind when he wrote those words, let me explain how answering these six questions will give you the ingredients you need for inspiring leadership communication:
WHERE are we going? The word itself, lead, implies a direction and final destination, so the first task of a leader is to offer a vision of a promised land which is much better than where they are today. Whether it is Churchill’s “broad, sunlit uplands”, or Google’s more prosaic “To organize the world’s information and make it universally accessible and useful”, a shared vision guides, unites and inspires. Of course, it has to be something you truly and deeply buy into, not some buzzword-filled, meaningless pap conceived by committee.
WHY is it important? This a company’s reason for being. Jon Katzenbach said, “An intrinsic feeling of pride based on the relentless pursuit of worthwhile endeavors is a powerful motivating force.” People are inspired by meaning and purpose, by causes that are greater than themselves. Building a cathedral is more inspiring than simply laying bricks, even if the work is exactly the same. In a business environment, the purpose is unlikely to be as exalted as saving the world for democracy, but it should contain some service or benefit for customers. Put another way, what would they lose if your company did not exist?
WHO are we? There is a reason that Maslow put self-actualization at the top of his pyramid. We all have an idealized conception of who we are, and we will direct our most fervent energies and risk even our lives to act according to it. When Shakespeare’s Henry V utters the words, “we few, we happy few, we band of brothers”, he knew that every man listening would stay and fight against overwhelming odds—because that’s who they were. Today, an excellent corporate example is Ritz-Carlton’s motto: “We are Ladies and Gentlemen serving Ladies and Gentlemen.”
HOW will we conduct ourselves? This is a statement of core values that are absolutely inviolate. The old saying, “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts”, may seem quaint and outdated in today’s cutthroat business world, but at the end of the day, when your followers go home, they need to feel good about themselves and be able to look themselves in the mirror and like what they see. Besides, distinctive values can also differentiate you in the marketplace and serve as a competitive advantage that is almost impossible to copy. By the way, never forget that when it comes to values, your behavior as a leader speaks far louder than any words you can ever say.
WHAT do we have to do and WHEN? You can have the most powerful vision and compelling purpose and still fail to motivate your followers if they don’t have confidence that they can succeed. You have to show that you have confidence in them, and in your ability to win with them. At the same time, answering the what and when gives them the confidence that you are the appropriate person to lead them, because you have a realistic plan.
Answering the questions posed by these “six honest serving men” takes a lot of communication. It’s not something you can or even should attempt to do in one speech or meeting. In fact, especially if you’re taking over a demoralized or apathetic team, they won’t believe you at first. But if you’re consistently and insistently giving your followers what they want and need to hear—like a parched desert that finally receives rain—your message will sink in, take root, and bloom.
Are your communication skills keeping up with your career progression?
As you rise through your organization, the purpose and the character of your presentations tends to shift. When you’re an individual contributor at the beginning of your career, your main task is to inform. You may need to update management on the status of a project, or give them information that they can use to factor in to their own thinking and decisions. Your principal currency is information.
As you ascend the ranks and hit middle management, you find yourself having to do more in cooperation with others, and you may increasingly be asked by more senior management to suggest solutions and advocate for a decision, so your principal task is to influence. The principal currency of this form of presentation is value, and the payoff is profit.
At some point, there is a good chance that you will be called to a third task: to inspire. It may be because you have reached a senior leadership position, or because circumstances call for enhanced effort and commitment, reassurance, or creative energy. For this highest form of speaking (indeed, at this level it’s not a presentation; it’s a speech), the only currency that works is not value but values, and the payoff is pride.
When Henry V spoke to his assembled knights and archers before the battle of Agincourt, he did not offer information. When Westmoreland wished that they had reinforcements from England, he did not say, “Men, even though we are outnumbered by the French, the greater range of our longbows will allow us to achieve fire superiority for 2 minutes before they close with us, which will allow us to degrade their fighting efficiency by 46%…” He also didn’t exhort them to fight hard because they would be able to profit from capturing French nobles and exchanging them for ransom. Instead, he appealed to values that he held dear and more importantly knew that they shared with him: honor, courage, and glory.
Values can change over time—honor, courage and glory may not be the most important values that your subordinates crave, but the feelings that values produce are timeless, primarily self-satisfaction, full engagement, and most importantly, pride.
The difference between value and values is the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, or the difference between a transaction that improves profit and a transformation that boosts pride.
Henry disdains extrinsic motivation in his speech:
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold, Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost; It yearns me not if men my garments wear; Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
He even offers payment to those who would choose value over values:
Rather proclaim it, Westmorland, through my host, That he which hath no stomach to this fight, Let him depart; his passport shall be made, And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
He then appeals to personal pride, which he knows will resonate with his listeners:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d, And rouse him at the name of Crispian. He that shall see this day, and live old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.” Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say “These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.”
Even above personal pride is communal pride. Henry knows the power of appealing to a sense of belonging to something special, larger than one’s personal selfish desires:
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition;
If you want to inspire, you must appeal to higher values than personal gain. WIFM (what’s in it for me?) doesn’t work for inspirational speeches, but WIFU (What’s in it for us?) does. If Kennedy had said, “let me tell you what your country can do for you,” would anyone have remembered his inaugural address?
In fact, injecting personal gain may insult your listeners, as attested to in the story related by Chip and Dan Heath in their book, Made To Stick. A marketer was testing messages to help sell a fire safety educational film to firefighters. He first asked fire units if they would like to review the film for their educational programs, and the replies were enthusiastically positive. Then, he asked them if they would prefer a popcorn popper or a set of steak knives for reviewing the film. The general response was “Do you think we’d use a fire safety program because of some #*$@! popcorn popper?!”[1]
Values don’t appeal to everyone. There will always be cynics who will sneer and roll their eyes. But values are more important than you might think. When you ask most people, they assume that others are more driven by personal gain, but they themselves are not. We tend to overestimate the extent to which others are driven by personal gain.[2]
Do you really need to raise your game? The ability to skillfully inform and influence others got you this far, so why mess with what got you here?
That would be the easy way, but first consider this. According to Gallup, only 32% of American workers are engaged; worldwide, the number is only 13%![3] Those sad numbers are clear evidence that there is a leadership drought in the world today. We have plenty of bosses today, but not enough leaders. Bosses can always squeak by through coercion and “coin-operated” compliance, but it takes a leader to engage and inspire.
You can add to the problem, or you can contribute to the solution. It’s up to you.
[1]Made to Stick, by Chip Heath and Dan Heath, p. 188.
