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After 61 episodes, I have finally brought a guest speaker into the Practical Eloquence podcast. I’m honored to speak to day with John Spence, named one of the Top 100 Leadership Speakers in America. John and I talk about his journey toward becoming a professional speaker and some of the lessons that he learned that can make you both a better communicator and a better leader.
John’s wisdom includes:
1. How a proper structure inspired one of his listeners to write a check for $800k.
2. The number one thing that John reminds himself to conquer his pre-speech nerves.
3. The close relationship between leadership and communication ability.
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Seasoned negotiators know, and researchers have proven, that those who ask for more, get more.
But it’s not limited to negotiation scenarios—it works in any important communication opportunity when you are trying to get compliance from someone, such as asking for help or getting approval from your senior leadership on an important project. You stand a much better chance of accomplishing your aim if you tell others what you want clearly, directly and early in the conversation.
It boosts the chances of getting what you want
Knowing what you want increases the chances you will get it. If you’re explaining a situation to someone, it may be the first time they’ve thought about it, so they simply can’t put the same time into thinking about it that you have. There is a good chance that they will be at least slightly uncertain about what to do—your recommended decision acts as an anchor for their final decision, and anchors can set the terms of the discussion.
It conveys confidence and credibility
Being clear about what you want also makes you look more credible and puts you on a more equal footing with the other person. It makes you an active participant in the value creation process, not simply someone supplying inputs for a decision. Decision makers generally don’t like people who bring problems to them without at least suggesting a solution. They don’t have to agree with the proposed solution, but they will appreciate the fact that you’ve thought about it.
It clarifies your own thinking
In fact, the process of figuring out what to recommend will force you to think deeply and clearly about the situation, including root causes, costs and alternatives, so it should improve the quality of the end product, which is the best ultimate driver of your personal credibility.
It also helps the other party
Think about your “customer” for a minute: the person whom you’re asking to make a decision based on the information you provide. A top executive is essentially an engine for making decisions, and they have to make a lot of them. That does not mean it gets easier for them. They still suffer from decision fatigue just like anyone else, so you do them a favor by simplifying the decision for them.
It saves time
Answering the what question saves a lot of time, both for your listener and for you. It saves time for them, because when they know what you want, they can more easily organize and make sense of the incoming information, and they will let you know what they need to give you agreement.
You do run the risk of getting a quick rejection, but if you were going to end up with a no anyway, it’s better to lose early than late. Besides saving time, it may avoid a protracted debate which makes the other person stick even more to their own position.
It improves the relationship
Asking for what you want may feel pushy, but it actually puts the other person at ease. Being clear up front about your ask respects the relationship by reducing tension. Think of the times that someone has approached you for a request—you know they want something but they don’t get right to the point, so you feel more and more uncomfortable as they beat around the bush, because you’re wondering where they’re going with it.
How to Ask
Don’t be afraid to ask
No one likes rejection, so we often hold back on asking for something because we are afraid of being told no. In fact, according to a series of studies conducted by psychologists Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake, we tend to overestimate the chance of rejection by about 100%. That’s because we focus on the cost to the other party of saying yes, and don’t focus enough on the cost to them of saying no.[1]
Be smart
Think carefully to figure out what you should reasonably ask for. Books such as Robert Cialdini’s influence tout the benefits of the “Door-in-the-face” tactic, where you ask for something unreasonable so that your real request seems fair by comparison, or its opposite, the “foot-in-the-door” technique, where you ask for something small and then build from there. The problem is that those tactics may work when you’re not going to see the other persona again, but if you use them often where you work, you will soon get a reputation as an insincere manipulator.
Instead, do your research and be able to defend what you’re asking for. Remember that the ask goes hand in hand with the why.
Be direct
Most communication situations benefit from being direct in your ask, so that there is no question in the other’s mind what you expect from them. Directness also shows the other party that you have prepared, and that you’ve carefully thought through the issue.
Make it a statement not a question
Be direct in telling them what your ask is going to be, but don’t frame it as an actual question: “Will you…?” That’s because they don’t have enough information yet, so their default answer is likely to be “No”.
Instead, say something like: “My ask is going to be…” or “Once I’ve presented the options, I’m going to recommend that…”
A big part of life for all of us is buying and selling. One of the easiest and quickest ways to get more out of life is simply to ask for more. Just ask.
[1] Francis J. Flynn, Vanessa K.B. Lake, “If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2008.
It’s funny how things sometimes come full circle. When I first met Chip Bell many years ago, he was teaching a class on leadership, but he has since become one of the world’s top experts on customer service. He recently wrote a fascinating article for Forbes about using questions to improve the customer’s experience, but I believe the lessons also translate perfectly to leadership communication.
The article is titled QAQ: The Path to Insight. Chip tells us that if you want to gain insight about a customer’s experience with your product or service, you can’t just ask them, “How is everything?” Most times, the answer will be “Fine.”
That’s because the first question is seen as a greeting and not as a direct request for information. I’m reminded of the old beer commercial where the Midwesterner visits New York and every time someone says “Howyadoin?”, he replies with an enthusiastic recitation of what’s going on in his life. It’s funny because it doesn’t happen that way in real life.
There’s nothing wrong with starting off the discussion with that type of question. People actually expect it; it’s part of the standard conversational ritual, and leaving it out can be a bit awkward and abrupt, like starting a phone call without at least saying hello. But, as Chip tells us, “The real test of the intent of the enquirer is the second question—the QAQ, or question after the question.” Are you asking just to be friendly, or do you sincerely want to learn from the other person?
It’s a good lesson for customer service, but I believe it applies even more so for leaders. That’s because subordinates may be even more reluctant to speak what’s truly on their minds than consumers of someone’s product. When you ask them how things are going, you can almost guarantee that their response will be, “Fine.” If you let it go at that, you’ve squandered a chance to do two things: learn something useful, and demonstrate that you truly care. In lean terms, that’s pure waste.
What you should do, after hearing their first ritualistic answer, is follow up with a more specific question; get them to open up about a specific issue or complaint. That would be progress. But don’t stop there, because the first thing that comes out of their mouths is a test: they want to see if you truly want to hear about a problem or a different point of view.
To pass that test, you have to show you care by asking at least one more question, to probe deeper into that issue or to uncover others. It takes at least three questions to demonstrate that you care and to give you a shot at learning something useful. The first question is a greeting, the second is a door opener, and the ones after that at least give you a shot at producing a real insight.
Chip calls them insight-seeking questions, and he says the goal is not to produce “more words in the answer, but more depth in the thinking need to produce that answer.”
It’s hard to find a better description of lean communication than that phrase: not more words, but greater depth of thinking. It’s a reminder that the first goal of lean communication is not to be efficient—it’s to produce value. If you want efficiency, stop at the first question. If you want value, ask at least three questions.
To me, one of the greatest compliments one can give or receive is to recognize someone as a true professional in their field. I had the opportunity last night to pay that compliment to a real professional in an unlikely profession.
My wife and I went to dinner at Andy’s, a local restaurant. We pulled right up to the front door and the valet parker came up, opened the door for Lisa and then came around, introduced himself as Dale and asked my name. I noticed he didn’t have a ticket in his hand and remarked on it. He replied that he would remember which vehicle was mine. I was impressed but still a bit skeptical.
My skepticism was blown away and my impression raised a few more notches when we walked out of the restaurant after the meal. Dale was standing just outside the front door, holding open the passenger side door for Lisa! I immediately opened my wallet so I could augment the tip I was already holding in my hand, and I told him: “Dale, I appreciate professionalism, and you sir, are a true professional!”
I guess in the grand scheme that wasn’t such a big deal. He might not have been able to pull it off if had been a really busy night, but to me it says something when someone makes an extra effort to do their job better than they need to, or figure out a way to make an ordinary experience a little less ordinary.
There is some debate about how to define a professional; some would contend that it requires some sort of degree or accreditation, but to me the only valid professional certification consists of what I witnessed last night: taking pride in your best work in the service of others. If you do that, you are a professional no matter what anyone says, and if you don’t you’re not a true professional, no matter what anyone says.
