When Good Intentions Backfire

In human relationships, there’s the common idea that intention trumps technique. As long as you have sincere good intentions, you’ve got a head start on likeability and persuasiveness because your counterpart will sense it and will appreciate your efforts.

I definitely agree that good intentions are a critical necessity, but they are not enough. In fact, your good intentions can actually work against you if you’re not careful. Here are four of the top ways your good intentions can bite back, with suggestions to safeguard against them.

Reactance: There’s an old joke that the best way to get something done is to forbid a teenager to do it. The only problem with that joke is that it gives teenagers a bad name. As we’ve seen with the mask wearing debate going on right now in our country, even adults—maybe especially adults—will take action against their own interests if they feel someone is unfairly taking away their freedom to choose their own actions.

Solution: Give people options.

Pushing too far too fast: According to social judgment theory, people can hold a variety of attitudes toward an idea, ranging from complete acceptance to complete rejection. There is usually a little wiggle room called the “latitude of acceptance” that each person is comfortable with. In most cases, people can be moved slightly from their current positions. It’s reasonable and possible to move someone from opposition to skepticism or even possibly neutrality. But outside that latitude is the “zone of rejection”, and if you try to move them too far too fast, they not only won’t move, but they will move in the opposite direction. Your best efforts will only drive them further away.

Solution: Know your audience and use strategic patience.

Putting people down: You may feel tempted to give others the benefit of your wisdom and experience by providing excellent advice. But that’s just the problem. They may react as if they are in a one-down position. We all want to preserve our status, and we may be overly sensitive to threats to our status. Ironically, trying to help someone by giving them well-intentioned advice can actually make them feel in a “one-down” position (as described by psychologist Edgar Schein).

You may also try too hard to portray confidence in your own position and come across to the other person as cocky or arrogant, in which case they will put you in your place by doing the opposite of what you ask.

Solution: Use questions to make it the other person’s idea.

Misreading motivation: Motivation comes in two forms, extrinsic and intrinsic. Rationally, you might expect that appealing to both at the same time would be the most persuasive approach, but in fact it can backfire. Offer someone an extrinsic incentive to do the right thing, and they may easily get insulted. In Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Heath tell the story of a seller of safety videos that tested two approaches. One approach simply asked firefighters if they would be interested in the videos for their educational programs, and they received unanimous positive responses. The second approach offered a choice between a set of steak knives and a popcorn popper as an inducement to trial the video, and they discontinued the trial after the first two attempts were met with cursing refusals.

Solution: Lead with intrinsic appeal; you can always throw in extrinsic if necessary.

As a persuader, you should follow a version of the Hippocratic Oath: “First, do no harm.” Feel free to do what you want, but I think you’re smart enough to know that you need to supplement your good intentions with careful preparation, outside-in thinking, and respect.