Networking Advice for People Who’d Rather Stick a Pencil in Their Eyes

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When you fly, do you ever talk to the person in the seat next to you? If you’re like me, you probably don’t. I would prefer to put on my headphones and read a book or do something on my computer. In my work, when I travel, I have to make nice to perfect strangers all day, and the last thing I want to do when I fly home is to expend energy getting acquainted with the person next to me. And I’m sure most of them feel the same way.

But that’s kind of stupid and short-sighted, considering that my largest client of my career resulted from a chance encounter on an airplane.

Let me tell you another story about a master networker who literally changed the course of history. The story comes from Malcolm Gladwell’s book, The Tipping Point. I’m sure you’ve heard of Paul Revere, who in 1775 rode out of Boston in his midnight ride to warn people that the British were planning a raid on Lexington and Concord the next day. But you may not have heard about William Dawes, who rode out on the same mission as Revere did, to warn other towns further to the south. They both rode about the same distance among the same number of people, but almost nobody on Dawes’ route either heard or spread his message, while Revere’s news spread like a virus, as hundreds of minutemen poured out of their homes to resist the British, and fired the shot heard around the world.

According to Gladwell, the difference was that Revere knew a lot of people, so he knew which doors to pound on in the middle of the night to warn the important people. He was also a more outgoing personality, so he most likely talked to the folks he encountered along the way. He was a born networker before anyone knew the term.

You probably don’t need a whole lot of convincing that networking is important, but you also probably don’t do it as much or as well as you should. If you’re like me, you probably find it awkward to approach a stranger and start a conversation. It may feel fake, or forced, and even potentially a bit creepy.

Just remember, everyone you know (except for immediate family) was a stranger once. Somehow you had to break the ice and get to know them. It might have been the first day of school, or a party you didn’t want to go to, or even someone sitting next to you on a plane.

Besides, some people—and I’m one of them—need networking advice/encouragement more than others, because they either don’t want to do it, or don’t know how, or both. So let me start with a little motivation:

• There is no such thing as job security anymore. You could be the most valued employee at your firm today, and tomorrow your boss may go somewhere else, your company may be sold, or your position could be “rationalized” by some pimple-faced consultant fresh out of business school.
• If you work for yourself, then it’s a no-brainer. You may have the best mousetrap in the world, but no one’s going to beat a path to your door if they don’t know you exist, and even if they do know, they’re much more likely to talk to you if others know you and recommend you.
• You don’t have all the answers. Everything you produce depends on input from others, and the quality of input is related to the depth and breadth of your contacts. Networks give you inside information that’s not available to the whole world (which is why we have laws against insider trading).
• One of the most valuable resources you can accumulate in life is the goodwill of others. Social capital can be just as critical to your success in life as financial capital.
• Let’s look at networking from an unselfish standpoint for a minute: maybe you have something that can help others, either to do their job better or to find a better job…

The ideas that I’m going to talk about are especially targeted towards toward introverts and technical professionals, but they actually apply to all networkers, regardless of who you are.

Some general principles

Give before you get. It’s not about what others can do for you, but about what you can do for others. If you bring that mindset to your networking, you will develop a reputation for selflessness and you will earn gratitude and reciprocity. You will also feel good about yourself.

Start early and be consistent. As the old saying goes, dig your well before you’re thirsty. How many times have you received a phone call or email out of the blue from someone you haven’t heard from in a long time. What’s your reaction? Yup, you’re suspicious and your guard goes up immediately. That’s because most people only reach out when they need something. The problem is, all of us get so busy and wrapped in our daily lives that we often go long stretches without talking to even some of our closest friends. That’s why we need to schedule time and make it a consistent part of our day or our week. Or, there’s the opposite problem: someone connects with you and then instantly tries to move in for the kill. We all hate that, so that’s another reason it’s important to start early and be patient.

Find the right balance of quantity, quality and diversity. Quantity is important; all things being equal, the more people you know the better off you are. But networking is not about just collecting business cards at an event of accumulating LinkedIn connections. You also need to pay attention to the quality of your contacts. In fact, contacts is the wrong word. There’s a big difference between a contact and a friend, and between a friend and a trusted advisor. So quality is measured by the strength and closeness of your relationship times the power of the person you have a relationship with.

Networking for introverts

Those principles I just mentioned apply to anyone who networks, but I promised to gear this toward introverts and technical professionals…

First, networking is not a dirty word. Getting to know someone—even if it’s for your own advantage, is not wrong. Remember, almost everyone wants to improve their network (especially when you’re at a networking event!), so you are actually be doing them a favor by reaching out to them. If you think you’re bothering them, what does that say about your own self-image?

Second, introverts may find it harder to reach out to strangers, but they also have some advantages which can make them better networkers.

• They can be more methodical. If you see networking as a regular process, you may be more apt to do it.
• They can be better listeners. As I said in my previous podcast, one of the ways to get trust quickly is to suspend your ego, and introverts find that easier to do than extroverts.

Here are some actionable suggestions to improve your networking overall and for specific events:

Have a plan

For networking overall, this means knowing whom you want to target and expand your connections; being consistent; One of the best ways to expand the quality and diversity of your connections is to get involved in something meaningful, such as an industry group, a task force, or a volunteer organization.

For specific events, having a plan means doing a little research if possible to anticipate who will be there and whom you might want to meet. It also means having a conversational plan (I know, extroverts are laughing right now). For example, have an interesting and non-cliché response for the stock questions you know you’ll get, such as “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” It also means having a few questions of your own—better than the two I just mentioned.

Be easy to talk to

Be approachable. Look people in the eyes, nod and smile. Say hello to people walking by. Stand near the bar or the food.

Try to be interested, not interesting. In other words, don’t try to show others how important or accomplished you are, but try to give them an opportunity to brag about themselves. When they do, compliment them sincerely. If people ask you questions about yourself, answer them but then volley the ball back into their court by tacking on a question of your own at the end.

Look for ways to help the other person. (See above: give before you get…)

If you consistently and persistently follow these suggestions, you can vastly expand your circle of influence and your personal success—and best of all, you won’t need to bother the person sitting next to you on the plane!

Further reading

There are many more useful ideas about networking for people who hate to network than I can cover in this brief podcast. Let me recommend two—one that I read several years ago, and one which is just out.

Never Eat Alone, by Keith Ferrrazzi. (Just don’t make the mistake I made. I was in Chicago, reading the book by myself at dinner, when my client walked in and burst out laughing when he saw me!)

Networking for A/E/C Professionals, by Scott Butcher. Don’t let the specificity of the title scare you off. Butcher provides step-by-step specific suggestions that any technical professional can apply to their benefit.