Look Me in the Eye When You Do That

Although I’ve written almost 500 blog posts about the fundamentals and nuances of persuasive communication, sometimes it’s not that complicated. Often all it takes is establishing a connection with another person based on a favorable initial impression. That initial impression can take root in less than a second and color the rest of the relationship; and because bad is stronger than good, it takes a lot of good to overcome a bad first impression.

So, when you shake my hand, why don’t you look me in the eyes? Why do you offer your hand perfunctorily at the same time that you are smiling at the person next to me or scanning the room to see who else is worth seeing?

My System 2 mind tells me that there are many reasons this could happen. Maybe you’re painfully shy; maybe you come from a culture that does not encourage much eye contact; maybe you just don’t like me. Any of those reasons, even the last one, I can accept. But just because you have good reasons does not mean that you have a good excuse.

That’s because my System 1 has already made up its mind, before System 2 is even aware of what’s happened. It’s telling me you’re a d__k. It’s telling me that you don’t care about me. My amygdalae are telling me to be on guard against anything you say, because on the power-warmth grid, your warmth level is at zero. If you hold it up against Aristotle’s definition of ethos—good sense, good character and goodwill—you’ve already blown two out of three.

Think of a handshake as an electrical connection; it needs eye contact to complete the circuit. While it may seem to be a waste of space and time to write about something so simple, by my own unscientific estimate, about a quarter of you need to read this and take it to heart. It takes so little time and it’s so easy to do.

Oh, and if it’s not too taxing to think about, why not add a smile?