Always Bring A Gift

Everybody loves gifts, especially unexpected ones, so if you want to raise your game as a persuasive communicator you should strive to bring a gift to every conversation or encounter that you have with someone, even if it’s a random bump into a stranger.

When you give someone a gift, they usually want to give you something in return. Robert Cialdini, the dean of influence, says that reciprocity is one of the most powerful human drives; we seem to be compelled to balance the karmic scales when someone gives us a gift. Especially today, where we are electronically accosted at every turn by someone is constantly trying to get, we treasure those rare individuals give.

What sort of gift am I talking about? Not something  tangible like a bouquet or a bottle of wine, obviously; that would be tacky and possibly unethical in most business relationships. No, I’m referring to gifts that are less concrete but infinitely more important. And the best thing is, they won’t cost you a thing, except possibly a moment’s time to remember that you have them with you.

I’m referring to social gifts, which is a term I read in a the book: First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You, by Ann Demarais and Valerie White. The four social gifts are: appreciation, elevation, connection, and enlightenment.

If providing value is the first rule of lean communication, social gifts are the icing on top of value. In LC terms, value is delivered by improving business and/or personal outcomes while preserving the relationship. Social gifts take it one step further by altering the definition of value by just one word that can make a big difference: instead of merely preserving the relationship, they enhance the relationship.

Appreciation is probably the most powerful of all. Even the humblest among us likes to feel important, and we bask in the feeling of being appreciated. And it’s so easy to give: you don’t have to fawn all over the person or even compliment them (although it helps). All you have to do is give them the gift of attention. Listen to them as if they are the most important person in the world at that particular moment—because that’s exactly what they are. Even easier, just use their name once or twice.

Elevation lifts someone’s mood.  Have you ever met someone who was so positive that they just brightened up your day, even if only for a few minutes? Moods are contagious, and even grouches love to be around positive happy people and avoid wet blankets. This is where it can pay to be “inauthentic”. Regardless of how crappy you might feel, put on a positive, upbeat, happy present face—you’ll make others feel better and maybe even yourself as well.

Connection is about finding things in common.   We all like to be part of the “in crowd”, and connection helps people feel understood and included when you point out things you have in common with them. It also makes people feel more comfortable around you when they focus on your similarities and not your differences.

Enlightenment is telling them something they don’t know that they can use. As the first requirement of lean communication it’s a simple standard to measure the effectiveness of any communication. Of the four, it’s the one that can leave them objectively better off, and feeling smarter for it too!

Any one of these four by itself is a nice gift to give, but Demarais and White stress that the importance of balance. People have different preferences, so if you meet someone for the first time you increase your chances of making a good impression if you have more than one of the social gifts. And if you know them for a while, they may get bored with the same thing every time.

And, just as people have different preferences, we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Take a minute to reflect on which,  if any of these gifts you tend to leave with others. Which are your strengths, and which would you like to improve? In my own case, I would say that my strength is enlightenment, and I need to do a better job of showing others I appreciate their good qualities.

So, that’s my plan to become a better gift-giver. What’s yours?