Max Cred Factor #5: Caring and Connection |

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Some people you have to believe; some you want to believe. So far, we have covered the elements that compel credibility. With a sufficient combination of credentials, content, candor and confidence, people almost have to believe you, even if they would prefer not to. Even if they don’t like you, those three elements will give you a powerful engine to sail against the current of animosity.

On the other hand, it’s always more efficient, and more pleasant, to sail with the current; if people connect with you on a personal level, they are going to be predisposed to believe you and trust you—or at least give you the benefit of the doubt. Think of it as attracting credibility. Especially if what you’re asking is not that big a deal to them, so they don’t care too strongly either way, they are more apt to give it to someone they like and whom they feel likes them.

There’s a reason that one of the best-selling self-help books of all time was called How To Win Friends and Influence People. Credibility is about influencing the beliefs of others, and winning friends is a clear path to influence.

This article is about connecting with other people on a personal level—winning friends, if you will. To use more modern terminology, it’s about displaying warmth as well as competence.

Competence v. Warmth

Our brains have evolved an amazing capacity to form snap judgments about other people, because our ancestors who were good at it tended to be the ones who survived to pass on their genes. Suppose you’re walking down a lonely street and see a stranger approaching. It’s completely natural—actually inevitable—that you will make a rapid and mostly unconscious calculation about that person, assessing two questions: What are their intentions, and can they act on those intentions? In effect, we want to assess whether they mean us harm and if they do, how much power do they have? These two questions boil down to two dimensions called warmth and competence.

How do the factors we’ve discussed so far fit into these two universal dimensions? The Max Cred factors of Credentials, Content and Confidence fit squarely into the competence dimension. Candor shades into both dimensions: transparency shows strength while its openness about motives and concern with ensuring the other person gets your meaning exudes goodwill. Connection is squarely within the warmth dimension.

Connection is especially important because warmth is actually the first judgment the brain makes—within a tenth of a second of spotting a new face.[1] You can usually tell very quickly when someone has warm intentions, but it can take much longer to accurately judge their competence. It gives scientific backing to the saying: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Better to be liked, or respected?

So that brings us to a question: is it better to be liked or respected? It’s an age-old conundrum that goes back at least to Machiavelli, who addressed the question of whether it’s better for a prince to be loved or feared. Even Machiavelli said “One should wish to be both”, but that’s the easy answer. And the easy answer is not so simple, because the relationship between liking and respect is complicated, and because a lot depends on the situation and context.

The relationship is complicated because, while some aspects of competence and warmth can coexist and even reinforce each other, some aspects of each are contradictory.

Let’s start with the case for competence over warmth.

Why did baseball manager Leo Durocher say that nice guys finish last?[2] Is there something about being nice that can actually harm your credibility? Amy Cuddy of Harvard Business School says that people who come across as nice may actually be seen as less intelligent.[3] Jeffrey Pfeffer, a Stanford professor of management, says likeability is overrated—that appearing tough or even mean can improve your perceived competence.

Even in a field like sales, where many people believe it’s all about relationships, there is clear evidence that competence can trump warmth. Adam Grant wrote Give and Take, which is all about the virtues of being a giving person, so you would expect he would come down firmly on the side of EQ over IQ. But after he ran two tests with hundreds of salespeople, he concluded that, “Cognitive ability was more than five times more powerful than emotional intelligence.”[4]

So, if even in a field like sales, brains are more important than social and emotional skills, it would seem that competence beats warmth. If you have to choose, you would probably be better off being a competent jerk than an amiable dummy.

Now, let’s examine the case for warmth

And yet, there is also plenty of evidence—not to mention common sense—in favor of warmth. Common sense tells us that we’re more apt to listen to and give the benefit of the doubt to people who are pleasant.

Besides common sense, there is some good evidence that being seen as likeable can make you more persuasive. Studies that have examined the credibility of witnesses in mock courtroom trials have found that more likeable witnesses were seen as more credible[5], although the effect was more pronounced for women. Robert Cialdini, the godfather of influence studies, includes liking as one his top influence factors.

Doctors who have a warmer bedside manner are more likely to have their instructions followed and less likely to be sued for malpractice. And it works in the other direction: one study found that patients who were perceived as more likeable got more time from doctors and more education from their staffs.[6]

One final point: because people infer warmth much faster than competence, it makes sense to lead with it, which also increases your chances that people will listen to you long enough to discover your competence. You can be the smartest person in the room, but if no one wants to listen, then you’re as relevant as a tree falling in the forest with no one around.

So, being nice clearly pays off. The bottom line is, likeability is not the active ingredient of credibility, but it definitely makes the medicine easier to swallow. It’s nice to be smart, but it’s also smart to be nice!

How to Connect

There are two parallel routes you can take, one internal and one external. The internal path—caring—is all about changing your focus and attitude, and the external—connecting—is about changing your outward behaviors.

Caring: Empathy Is a choice

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” Abraham Lincoln

I once sat across a desk from a cancer specialist in Miami, as he explained to my friend what would happen during and after his upcoming surgery to remove a cancerous bladder. He was dispassionately and even robotically describing the planned surgery, the difficulties to be expected, and the prognosis. He was very downbeat and pessimistic and was emphasizing the difficulties and the downsides. He was certainly exhibiting the Max Cred factor of candor, but I sensed something was missing, so I said, “Andy is not your typical patient. He’s a former world champion athlete.” The doctor asked which sport, and when I said it was swimming, his demeanor totally changed, as he told Andy about his own attempts at Masters Swimming and then proceeded to treat him as a human being.

That story demonstrates that empathy can actually be a choice you make. Jamil Zaki, who studies empathy as a Stanford professor, says “We often make an implicit or explicit decision as to whether we want to engage with someone’s emotions or not, based on the motives we might have for doing so.”[7]

As further evidence that empathy is a choice, there are studies showing that lack of empathy can be induced in people by priming their economic schemas, which is a fancy way of saying that you get them to focus on profit and efficiency.[8]

Connection: Empathy is a skill

Besides being a choice, empathy is also a skill that can be learned, practiced and strengthened. According to a 2015 article in The Atlantic, “While some people are naturally better at being empathic, said Mohammadreza Hojat, a research professor of psychiatry at Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia, empathy can be taught.” The article goes on to describe several courses at various medical centers and touts the improvements that have been realized in patient satisfaction and trust.

To be more likeable, here are a few reminders:

Listen more. It is the best compliment you can give another, and the best way to make them feel important.
Ask questions. Get to know them as real people.
Be upbeat. According on one HBR article, “Optimism is also helpful during the interview process, making candidates appear more likeable and capable”.
Give compliments. Flattery works, even when the recipient knows there’s an ulterior motive.
Body language. Smile more, make consistent eye contact, and keep an open posture.
Be expressive. Be yourself, let your emotions show, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Use informal speech. Especially when presenting upward, don’t try to puff up your language.
Be humble. Dial down your confidence a bit.
Play up similarities and common ground. Like likes like.