First, Do No Harm

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In my work, I generally prefer to provide positive advice about what to do to be an effective communicator/salesperson and all-around good person, but occasionally we need a reminder that the most important rule in effective communication is “don’t screw it up”. And unfortunately, it’s so easy to do.

One of the strongest ideas in psychology is that bad is stronger than good, which is the title of an influential paper written in 2001 by Roy Baumeister and others.  As they tell us, “Bad impressions and bad stereotypes are quicker to form and more resistant to disconfirmation than good ones.” That means that when you’re meeting someone for the first time, it is much easier to offend or put them off by one simple fault or mistake than by doing a lot of things right. And over the long term, it’s more important to avoid doing bad things than it is to do good things. The implication is that the long-term success of a relationship depends more on not doing bad things than on doing good things.

Relationship mistakes can be costly for three reasons:

Strength: Our minds react more strongly to bad events because that’s the way they’ve evolved. Our ancestors, in order to live long enough to pass on their genes to future generations, had to respond differently to threats than opportunities. Quite simply, it’s easier to recover from missing a possible meal than from becoming a meal! Positive opportunities can help you in the long term, but negatives can kill you now.

Speed: That’s why threats are actually processed in a different part of our brains, and are therefore much faster to be detected than positive emotions and actions. We detect negative emotions in others faster than positive ones.  Negatives are also more immediately obvious because they generally don’t fit the pattern we’re expecting. When we are in a professional/business meeting, we expect a certain level of behavior; when we get it, we don’t pay close attention, but we focus immediately on anything that appears out of place.

Confidence: We all make mistakes about others from time to time, and it shouldn’t be a big deal because we should be able to correct our initial negative impression as we get to know someone better. Unfortunately, we also tend to be more sure of our negative judgments than our positive ones. One reason, is that you can’t prove a negative. If I never catch you in a lie, that doesn’t prove you’re honest. But one lie can easily tell me you’re dishonest. And once I form that first impression, my natural confirmation bias kicks in, and I interpret everything else I see and hear through that negative lens.

That’s why, according to psychologist John Gottman, it takes about five good events to outweigh one bad event.

So, what are some of the things we may do that can be turn-offs to others?

People vary, of course, but the average person we meet has highly effective and ultra-sensitive social radar that is constantly alert for threats to their interests or feelings. The following list may not be scientific or comprehensive, but I believe that in general, people are looking for four things: intentions, respect, honesty and competence.

Obviously, it helps tremendously if you have each of those four, but even if you do, it’s possible to be misinterpreted or misunderstood either through carelessness or mistakes…

Intentions

• Not listening
• Making it about you
• Treating someone like a thing
• Talking too much
• Getting angry or otherwise letting emotions take over
• Trying to develop intimacy too quickly
• Excessive task orientation, like you don’t care about them as a person

Respect

• Not listening
• Trying to show how smart you are
• Arguing
• Distraction/not listening
• Interrupting
• Excessive directness
• Impatience

Honesty

• Being inauthentic/sincere
• Lying
• Lack of candor
• Signs of nervousness

Competence

• Lack of preparation
• Mistakes
• Vagueness/overpromising

What can you do about it?

Be self-aware of your inclinations and habits. Review the list above and honestly choose one or two that you  know you can do better with. Ask a mentor or trusted peer or coach for input to help you see past your own blind spots.

Prepare. Preparation has a direct effect on the competence you demonstrate, but it also has the indirect benefit of increasing your outside-in focus.

Adjust your attitude. Intentions trump techniques; if you go into every encounter with a sincere desire to add value to the other person, you will be well on your way.

Always be mindful. Reserve a portion of your mental bandwidth to monitor your own thoughts and behaviors during the conversation.

Relax. Trust your preparation and intentions. If you try too hard, that can easily come across as insincere.